The crystal clear rain stream floated down the window. This morning only I am rushing. It was raining, and the grey sky looked depressing. It was 6:00 in the morning. September. The light was so dull that it seemed hardly breaking through the clouds. I knew it was just the beginning. Very soon my daily running will be accompanied by a comprehensive darkness. After a few months, I will see darkness in the morning, and the darkness will follow me when I go from work to home. That was so "tempting"!
I do not have windows in my workplace, so I can never know what a day has been. Did the sun occasionally give one of its rays to an autumn landscape? Has the rain rushed dust off the pavement? Does the wind strenuously try to slash the tree's bright leaves? Where did the summer disappear? The last hot days...
I felt like I live in an artificially illuminated cave where there was no sense of time. It seemed like I spent here an eternity. In the summer it was tolerable because the sunrise and sunset did not escape me. But two-thirds of the year was barely sufferable. How can a person live without seeing the daylight? Is it not a part of existence?
I didn't pay attention in the past. The timetable was so dynamic that for some moments when morning was mixed with the evening. I'm a person who wants to do everything at their best. Either I do well or not at all. Childhood perfectionism has often made itself felt. I wanted to be the best, to fulfill expectations of others.
Always had to go somewhere.
Good work must be maintained.
Give an example to others. But the darkness ...
Why do I need it? Why do I do this? Does it have any meaning? Will it be every day? Does it make me happy? What makes me happy at all? What am I trying to prove to someone? Do waking up tired is normal? Will I always have to wake up so early? When did I last meet my friends? Do they remember me in general? When will I be able to enjoy the results of my work? When will I have time for myself? When will I be able to focus on my hobbies? Why do I feel so anxious? What am I doing wrong - just some of the destructive thoughts that accompanied me in the early hours of the morning, every day, at least 252 days a year, three years in a row.
Every morning I deliberately washed my face in cool water, hoping to wash away the snowball of thoughts that's got bigger. One thought led to another, followed by an army of hateful and mean calculations. It was just like opening a newly cured wound, over and over again. Poisoned me. After work day always comes: Laundry day. Cleaning day. All the other types of days when you try to do your chores. And where does my day stay? My week? My month? How much time can you devote to yourself, so that it is not selfish and irresponsible? With "time to myself," I do not just think to put nail polish on or just being lazy. I mean my hobbies (painting and writing), my family (dear grandparents in particular), my sweet friends (the physical time what we could spend together or, at least, the phone conversation will always be better than fixed chat in social networks, not to mention Shared experiences, shared memories), the environment Around me (which I want to keep in order, a smelling cake in the oven, the freshly washed laundry smell, fresh flowers on the table), cultural dose (theater, cinema, concerts ... anything), my health (the doctor's visits that are canceled over and over again, Gymnastics, without which my back strain damages the whole body in general) and, of course, my Mister Big (which, unfortunately, I do not pay enough attention because The exhaustion and the black cloud above my head do not disappear even in the brightest days). Is it possible to get rid of the saddening thoughts that visit me every morning? From the shadows that follow me throughout the day? Where does a human make a fortune in this all?